50 Shades the Handcuff edition by EL James

Warning Graphic Review ahead. I cuss a lot. Sexual situations are implied and discussed. As well as a crude picture or two. Not meant for kiddos.

Lori's Review: 1 Star

When unworldly student Ana Steele first encountered the driven, damaged young entrepreneur Christian Grey it sparked a sensual affair that changed both their lives irrevocably. Shocked, intrigued, and ultimately repelled by Christian’s singular sexual tastes, Ana demanded a deeper commitment; determined to keep her, Christian agreed.

Now, together, they have more – love, passion, intimacy, and a world of infinite possibilities. But Ana always knew that loving her Fifty Shades would not be easy, and being together poses challenges neither of them ever anticipated. Ana must somehow learn to share Christian’s opulent lifestyle without sacrificing her own integrity, identity or independence; Christian must somehow overcome his compulsion to control, and lay to rest the horrors that blighted his past and haunt his present.

Just when it seems that together their love can conquer any obstacle, misfortune, malice and fate combine to make Ana’s worst nightmares come true. Alone and desperate, she must face down the poisoned legacy of Christian’s past.

Seductive, shocking, sad and funny, Fifty Shades Freed is the compelling final volume in the Fifty Shades trilogy.

I almost gave this book a "pity" 2 stars but I just can't let my relief of being done with this crap skew my final judgement. Let's be honest here. I will probably offend some die hard fans but this series is utter and total horse shit. The writing is bad, the charcters are crude rip offs of another authors work, Anastasia Steele is completely out -of-her-mind-stupid (retarded).* I mean that. She is a stupid, horrible character, a bad friend and just as selfish as her Fifty. At least Christian has reasons for being a horribe excuse for a human being. Ana has none.
Maybe her mothers' third husband caused her some trauma.. Seriously we learn everything about Ana...we know that she is seriously stupid...like handicapped stupid. We know everything about Christian. Everything. The author teases us with this little detail. This was part of my motivation for reading this. I wanted to know about the FUCKING third husband. Maybe they talked about him mid-sex and I missed it. I skimmed the sex scenes. After two books of horrible unchanging sex I couldn't stand anymore. So if they did answer this detail during their horrid two minute sex somebody please let me know.
Ok so here is my review/rant in the form of an email to Anastasia Grey

To:Anastasia Grey
Subject: I'm going to spew my hate about you!
From: Lori Parker
Ana-
You are giving me twitchy palms. I really really really really REALLY want to beat the living hell out of you. But you I won't because you are a fictional character. Even if you weren't, you suffer enough abuse at the hands of your fucked up Fifty. Yes, you stupid whore, he is an abusive manipulative asshole. Letting someone walk all over you like a doormat is not a fantasy. It's not sexy. It's a fucking nightmare. Myself and many real women have lived with controlling men like Christian Grey. It's not amusing, it's not cute, it's not something you just deal with. It's something you fucking run from and run fast. NO ONE should have complete control over your life and your body. NO ONE has the right to punish you from behaving "badly". That's right. I'm calling your character out for setting a horrible example for women. Your character portrays what many women barely survive and then shoves is down our throats while calling it a fantasy. I realize that all (really only some of) the hitting you experience is consensual. That is not the abuse I am talking about. I'm talking about Christians' mental abuse of you. He treats and makes you feel like a child. Repeatedly. You spend the first month or so (out of this less than a year long relationship) being scared of him. The first time he spanks you, you refer to it as a beating. That implies violence against you. You are constantly scared of speaking your mind. When you do you always bow to him and give up. YOU ARE FUCKING DOOR MAT!!!
I have nothing against with the BDSM lifestyle. Really, rough sex doesn't bother me. I was raised to be open minded and spent four years of my life entrenched in cultural relativism as an anthroplogy major. Cultural Relativism=judging cultures on their own terms: the principle that people should not judge the behavior of others using the standards of their own culture, and that each culture must be analyzed on its own terms.
Nothing shocks me. Hell, I can watch documentaries on genocide while eating twizzlers and drinking Dr. Pepper with out feeling quesy.
You are a horrible heroine and not a person any person should fanatsize about being. I wish people would stop reading this crap. To offset the horrible example you are setting for women I am going to suggest readers go out and buy the most hardcore feminist works that I can think of: Please for the love of our future generations of young girls read one of these! Ana- If you were a real person I would mail you a copy of each.

An ancient title of respect for women, the word "cunt" long ago veered off this noble path. Inga Muscio traces the road from honor to expletive, giving women the motivation and tools to claim "cunt" as a positive and powerful force in their lives.
*warning Inga is not for the faint of heart. This woman has real balls. She is completely open about her life and tells it like it is. I think there is an apt sentence in this book that Christian should be read.
To paraphrase Inga states "Men who refuse to wear condoms deserve to fucked in the ass by another man who refuses to wear a condom".
If this strikes you as to hardcore then I suggest checking out this book. No, I demand you read it. Carol Queen is smart, funny, and educated. It shows women can be empowered in their sexuality. It's a postive account of a woman who is involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Really Carol Queen is a goddess (not just an inner one either).

Whether writing about the joys of being turned over her lovers knee and spanked into erotic bliss, partaking of the pleasures of the new safe-sex clubs, or attending a California Mens Movement gathering to lobby for the pro-pornography platform, Carol Queen is personal, insightful, and delightfully candid. This new edition of Real Live Nude Girl includes four new articles and a new introduction by the author. The thinking persons sex queen, Carol Queen is a real live brilliant girl. Annie Sprinkle

One more rant, for both you and Christian, and I am done. NEVER EVER let a man make you feel like shit for missing your birth control. It takes two people to make a baby. Two. If he was that worried about it than he should have used more caution. Taken some of the responsibility upon himself and worn a condom. So what if you hate them. You and only you have the power to make sure that doesn't happen. Besides depo-provera is not the most reliable form of bc out there. If you were going to dictate she get a long lasting non pill bc than you should have done more research. Implanon works for 3 years and your "idiot" of a wife wouldn't have to worry about forgetting it.

Please for the love of god never-ever come back into fiction. I'm begging you and your story to just please please please go away.
x. Lori
Lori Parker
Blogger at Contagious Reads...

Now for some quotes:
Another first. I gape at him, my heart pounding...the mile high club. I've heard about this. -Ana pg 21.
So has everyone else in America over the age of 14. Ms. James please for the love of god do better research of Americans-the way we speak and of our culture. It is clear that you didn't even bother learning anything about us.

We're going to need a safeword. Grey
What? Ana
Stop won't be enough because you will probably say that, but you won't mean it. Grey
No. Stop means stop. Always. I don't care if you use a safeword. But you should ALWAYS pause whatever you are doing during sex when a woman says stop. Having had someone disregard your plea of stop is a horrible experience. Trust me.

(It) feels weird--being trussed up and helpless--on a boat. Ana.
Oh as opposed to the kitchen counter, an airplane, the red room, a couch, hotel rooms, bathrooms, your bedroom? Really the only thing weird about that is being on a boat. Is that because you're afraid you will piss your new husband off and he will throw your trussed up ass in the ocean and leave you to the sharks?

I have hickeys! I am married to one of the most respected businessmen in the United States, and he's given me goddam hickeys. How did I not feel him doing this to me? I flush. The fact is I know exactly why--Mr. Orgasmic was using his fine-motor sexing skills on me. Ana
Hmm.. not sure why I highlighted this now. An example of the awesome writing in this book? The fact that Ana can get pissed about hickeys on her chest so she can't sunbathe topless? The cringe worthy writing--oh I already said that. Hmm...

The R8 shoots forward, slamming us both into the backs of our seats. The speedometer whips up to seventy-five miles per hours.
LOL wow, Ana, you dare devil 75. On an interstate. You rebel. I bet there is no one else that drives THAT FAST on an interstate.

How can the sound of a drawer render me a quivering mess? It makes no sense. Ana.
No, no it doesn't.

Stay strong Steele...um Grey. Holy fuck, I can't even remember my name. Ana.
LMFAO---she's finally starting to realize just how stupid she really is.


Uggh I can't think about this book anymore. So I am going to leave us with a nice little image to wash this shit out of our brains.

*(retarded) It was pointed out to me that I shouldn't use this word. I TRY to be as fair and PC as I can be. Obviously I am a human...and sometimes crude. ^^^^^^^^^ I failed at fairness and compassion in this review. Why leave it i?. Because I want to apologize for using this word. I don't mind being offensive as long as it's in a playful (sorta) way. Do I really HATE these books? Of course. Do I go overboard with it. HMM Yes. But I am, mostly, joking. My sarcasm is real, my half-assed wit is real. My intelligence is real (LOL I seriously search some words to make sure they are spelled correctly. And I am well aware my grammer sucks). But I blow it waaaayyy out of proportion to entertain you guys. And I want you to be entertained, not mad because I fuck up and use 'hateful' words. Ok...so forgive me. Please?
So from here on out....No more usage of 'retard' from me! I can't promise I won't use fucktard though. Sorry guys. I have limits. Hateful words have now become a hard limit. Fucktard is a soft limit and I will use it only when absolutely necessary. Ok? Ok. Have a wonderful night.